The first thing he did was give me drugstore perfume, a shirt with a picture of his band on it, and some business cards, 'in case my friends want his band to play. No second date. We ate and went to my house, and he turned on my PS4 to play God of War by himself, demanding I rub his back while he played. Then he went to my bathroom and after 15 minutes, I heard loud-ass poop sounds. This continued for 45 minutes until finally he came out like nothing happened. I said I was getting tired, hoping he'd leave, but he suggested we take a nap. I just lay there while he fell dead asleep.
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He proceeded to get high and then streaked around his backyard. I went home and never spoke to him again.
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He originally said he worked on Wall Street, but was actually a 'work-from-home consultant,' which I learned meant he was unemployed. Then he went on about how he was addicted to artificial sweeteners and ordered them online all the time. He also said he likes to cook, so I asked him what he makes and he said, 'Anything I can use sweeteners in, like fruit soup.
The guy sitting next to us was laughing so hard his back was shaking. While we perused the menu at an Indian restaurant, some winged beast flew overhead and took the most massive dump on me.
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There was bird poo in my hair, all over my face, and down the front of my body. As I stood there, shocked and embarrassed, I turned to see my date nearly having a stroke to hold his laughter in.
Things didn't work out. He and I have always gotten along and he seemed cool, so I figured, why not? We met up at a nice restaurant and the evening was going so well when he told me that he'd bought us tickets to see a movie - 50 Shades of Grey. I don't think it would have been THAT awkward if it weren't for his intense hand-squeezing during the sex scenes of the film.
When I arrived, he asked for a ride to Ikea because he'd just sold his dining room table on Craigslist and needed another. I found out then that he didn't have a car.
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So I drove him, and when we got back to his place, I watched TV with his roommate's girlfriend while he made dinner. Afterward, he asked if I wanted to stay the night because he had a job interview in the morning that he needed a ride to. I hightailed it out of there.
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I have no idea why I stayed as long as I did. He picked me up and took me to the house he was renting with some other guys, and we went directly to his room where he had a card table set up in front of his TV.
He turned on South Park and brought in burnt, flaky grilled cheese sandwiches and a bag of tortilla chips, and we had the worst conversation.
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Then we sat on his bed and he repeatedly kept trying to touch my butt. I only lasted two episodes before I told him to take me home. During my turn I heard him snickering behind me, saying, 'I'm definitely an ass man. Then we sat down to watch a movie and he leaned in close, saying, 'hold me,' in a baby voice.