Finances , Home , Relationships. How does one declutter and simplify when they live with someone who is panicked by the mere thought of removing something of questionably dubious value that might be needed thirty years from now? This is a really tough question because it sounds like the person you are dealing with is a hoarder. Hoarders are very different from your average person who is messy, or has some clutter. A hoarder has deep-rooted, psychological reasons for hoarding, and they experience the kind of panic that you describe, when faced with getting rid of stuff.
Mum has k homeyup, filled to capacity. I am so glad to hear I am not alone. My husband has invaded every bit of space outside the house, in all 4 cars but mine, and every room in the house but my room and the bathroom. Should not I have a little cleanliness for my last years? I live with a hoarder, we have been married 14 years.
A lot of your stories resonate with me.
Pity, that dating hoarder thank for
He is addicted to shopping and has tons of stuff and when I put it away he gets more. So much of our money and hours upon hours of my time are wasted cleaning up his crap and throwing away packaging, papers, junk mail, periodicals most never read or opened duplicates of useful things like tools, papers that he refuses to throw away, empty pill bottles, spent batteries, fast food plastic utensils, tiny toiletries from hotels and hospitals, not to mention that he has more clothes, shoes, and coats than anyone else in the family, and basically has an entire rack of clothing and boxes and boxes of clothing in the basement in addition to his closet full of clothes.
When I complain that he has more stuff than anyone else, he just says that we can all have more stuff too, if we want.
So basically whenever he leaves the house I get several trash bags and dump huge amounts of stuff without his knowledge. When he is looking for something I usually know where it is. There is a huge pile of receipts every day from his compulsive shopping. He used to buy a new suitcase instead of cleaning it out, and he did the same things with computers, instead of cleaning out useless files, he would just get a new computer.
He upgrades and buys new things but will NOT throw the old thing away. You all have my sympathy. My wife is a hoarder and refuses to dispose of old clothesline, towels and sheets, in fact you name it and she stores it, in every part of the house.
If I was a passive husband I would probably have already Separated, but instead I try to deal with her problem as she insist on holding on to every thing. I would stand firm on her bringing in anymore stuff in our home.
This has been very helpful. Thanks to all of you for stating what I have been feeling for 11 years. I had already told my sweetie that I would not marry him nor move in with him because of his inability to throw out old useless junk. I was in denial about his issues for several years.
I stayed out of his house for 6 months and was shocked when I finally went back in. The situation has gotten worse. I would never have believed it was possible. I care and love this person but I love myself more. To everyone who has commented on this blog post, I hear you! So, rather than respond to each comment individually, I wrote a new blog post with ated information. I am dating a hoarder, we have been dating for six years, I can never marry him, I could not live that way. He owns over a thousand cars and none of them run.
Some are true antiques and classics but they are just rusting away. He is so cheap because every penny he has goes to collecting more junk.
I have solved the problem. I have been so frustrated and miserable that I have come to the conclusion that everything we have is mine, all mine. See that? And see that over there? This is the last time we go on this merry-go-round. My partner and I have been together for 10 years first he just had his things in our bedroom now it has overflowed into two other bedrooms.
I do not know what to do every day he goes to thrift stores garage sales and consignment stores.
He is a good man but this is driving me insane. What should I do? It all sounds good until you realize the one who hoards has to buy into the plan, will never do it. You need a damn dumpster for a month and if the hoarder hates it, too bad.
I too live with a hoarder. My husband hides his hoarding. He also claimed one bedroom which is full of stuff. I keep the door closed for my insanity but it stinks! How do you keep the smell from the rest of the house? Some terrible stories here. Leaving can be very difficult not least because selling the house is so hard if its full of junkbut not leaving is ruining your life.
Hoarders are keeping that stuff for a reason - not necessarily a rational reason, but a reason nonetheless. If you get rid of it, it's a huge violation and a huge source of stress for the hoarder. If you're dating a hoarder, remember that the behavior is caused . May 17, † Top 10 tips for dating a hoarder (when you're not one) How do you cope when your lover is a hoarder and you prefer to live in a more minimalist environment? Here are my top tips for making things more bearable. STUMBLE SHARE SHARE TWEET PIN. by Lucy Moore | 17 May my girlfriend is a hoarder - My girlfriend is a hoarder. HELP/ADVICE. I'm simply here for some advice. My girlfriend and her mom bought a house together 8 years ago. We started dating 1 year ago. We are both 29 years old. Her and her mother are hoarders. I love my girlfriend with all of my heart. I don't want to lose her. - "It's me!" cries my girlfriend, Cosima.
Painful but in the long-run you have to look out for yourself. Good luck to you all. I love my husband very much, but the frustration over the hoarding has caused me to have so much pent up rage that when the topic of hoarding comes up at all between us, I feel very out of control. For the most part, his hoarding is confined to our garage and spare bedroom. After reading everything here, I know in my heart that I can never beat this.
I really like the idea of confining the hoarding to certain spaces, and he has talked about getting a building for out in our yard.
I fight to keep the home beautiful, now in separate bedrooms, because it is creeping into the master bedroom. I want to sell up and have my own home. So I am trapped. Hoarding is a form of mental abuse to the partner. I am in the same situation seeing things build up more in the spaces he has. I am so embarassed when my family members come to stay from out of town. Every day i also see more shoes bought stored in his closet he uses with jackets.
I sort of understood why when I went into the home. The living and dining rooms were impassible, the family room and bedrooms had just enough room to walk. He had one place to sit for TV and one small place to sleep. The kitchen and bathrooms were unclean but not cluttered. There were no dirty dishes or things on the counters. Code enforcement forced him to move 2 vehicles out of our front yard and lay gravel. He bought a whole old boat for one part because it was cheaper than buying just the part.
But really, my clutter is because of his clutter. The vacuum, even towels and blankets, all just piled against the walls or in boxes. He recently put some of our camping equipment in my office, which is my personal space since he moved into the family room.
I painstakingly decorated and furnished that room and there is NO clutter till now. On a quarter acre lot we have 5 non-running cars, a non-running boat, and two utility trailers in addition to 3 running vehicles. We have zero use of any yard for our 1 year old grandbaby who lives with us. And she is growing up to think the way we live is normal.
I never let anyone visit me at home he does; I hide in the bedroom. He is not dirty or messy well, I guess outside the house is. It is awful. Best of all, the house is only in my name. Sorry to vent so long. What do you do when your wife of many years refuses to even to discuss the issue.
She had come from a family where her grandmother committed suicide and mother was paranoid with mental issues. I have few options unless she agrees to professional counseling. She feels threatened.
I find myself exhausted listening. I stumbled upon this blog by accident.
Best of luck to all the partners of hoarders as the giant yard sale weekend approaches. My husband of 42 years is a hoarder.
We have a very small house to begin with with very little storage space and no garage. I cannot clean because stuff is everywhere. I have talked to my husband about this and he keeps saying he will clean it but he is always too tired. If I try to clean it he tells me not to touch his stuff. I feel trapped. I had ordered a dumpster and had help lined up to do a clean up and he flat out freaked out and I had to cancel which cost us I am So done.
Not meant dating hoarder have removed this
If he gets better, I may think about leaving after our son graduates. I left my wife, after 19 years I had certainly tried everything else I could think of. Indeed sane people do have limits. This article addresses helping the person who seems to be aware that they need help.
My husband is angry when I refer to him as a hoarder and yet he is truly a hoarder in every sense of the word. Despite my in-laws hoarding themselves out of every room in their house, they could never admit they had a problem. They saw it in the other one but never in themselves. The fact is, I have spent 25 years of my life organizing, reorganizing, figuring out the best use of space, buying new tubs, shelves and other organizing tools.
We have been arguing about this our entire married life. But he has never been the one to manage it. When I try to tell him how it stresses me out and affects my mental health, he tells me that I need counseling. So much encouragement! Time goes by; days, months, years, decades, half centuries! Oh my!! Time to clean out home and garage of so much unnecessary stuff!! Thank you again! May God bless all of you for your insightful help! My father is 91 years old and he lives in a big home with his 61 year old hoarder son.
I feel bad that he took his son out of a shelter 15 years ago because his marriage tanked. It is disgusting what decades of hoarding junk has done.
Used tissues, newspapers, clothing, etc. He knows where to take his junk and throw it in a dumpster but does not. I feel bad that my father has to live with him at this point in his life. Thank you for all you do. In trying to organize it, he expanded into the hallway, guestroom, guest bath and part of our master suite.
Phrase dating hoarder congratulate, you were
I was supportive but gradually lost patience over 8 months. He responded by jumping up and shoving ALL of it into his room so that now it is a solid wall of stuff and you cannot enter the room. And he is not speaking now- this has gone on for three full days, and I can only face the possibility that I might actually be getting a divorce over what seems like a ridiculous issue.
But the fact that he can sink to the level of the silent treatment over this is the real issue. Living with a hoarder who is in denial; and refuses to get help leaves me with the choice to accept it or leave a person who claimed to love me but is actually capable of ignoring me for days on end.
Does anyone have any other choices to suggest for me? Sue - you have nothing to be ashamed about! This is exactly my situation. We have fought continuously over his inability to get rid or even try to sort through boxes that have been unopened from God knows when! Just reorganised and put somewhere else. I will kick him and his shit out if this goes on any longer.
Thank you so much for sharing. Hoarding is a very serious mental disorder. But he also has a shopping problem.
He claims that he has stopped shopping for new things but I will go to the basement periodically and find new things. And then he gets mad that I went down there because he says that I am trying to find reasons to fight. Also, the only times he goes through a box to declutter is after a long fight in which I have to remind him that he acknowledged that he has a problem. I have read many articles and the most common suggestion, other than therapy, which I keep asking for is patience.
My only problem with that is that we do want to start a family soon I am And my fear is that the hoard in our basement and other places in our home are hazardous. And with his shopping problem, our house will become even more hoarded. I fear that I will be waiting many more years until I am able to start a family in a hoard free home. She also has back problems and has trouble doing many boxes at once, although its usually just reorganizing which is moving from large boxes to small or medium sized bags.
When people ask me what my favorite room is, I jokingly say, the laundry room! Haha oh man how sad. I feel for her emotional trauma and issues but I think and feel I wont be in this relationship much longer. I love her but sometimes the best kind of love is letting someone go so they can heal themselves. Good luck to everyone and thank you for sharing your stories.
It has helped me not feel so alone in dealing with this. At some point while I was reading through these posts, I laughed until I cried because I recognized myself so well. I had actually filed for divorce, over this and other issues, before he was diagnosed, and we reconciled when he started treatment. Closets are packed solid with boxes of god-knows-what. I counted 20 opened boxes of cereal once.
Thanks for helping me reach this conclusion! My husband is a hoarder who understandably thinks that our kitchen, pantry and bathroom are as much his as mine. He therefor crams as much as he can into storage spaces that we share.
His need to hoard is connected to the HOME that we live in, not to a specific space. It looks insane to me. I also dislike having to move things to get to things. Drawers are crammed full too.
Hoarding is storing away of large quantities of items of certain categories for future real or imagined use. Slovenliness or, colloquially, being a slob, is the state of being untidy or unclean. I've seen slovenliness that was way worse than this, but it still didn't fit the definition of hoarding. Sep 16, † I am dating a hoarder, we have been dating for six years, I can never marry him, I could not live that way. He owns over a thousand cars and none of them run. Some are true antiques and classics but they are just rusting away. He doesn't even let anyone in his house anymore. It is so sad, he is a good man in many ways, but he won't even. Sep 10, † Second Date ate: You're a dating hoarder! Share. tweet; Related Articles. News That Didn't Make the News and 1K Letter of the Day! September 10, E News continued and Fake or For Real: September 10, Good Morning and E News: Drew Barrymore is never getting married again.
He buys the groceries he insists and gets more than we can eat in a week. My present response is this: I no longer suggest, plead, or insist. I at least get satisfaction in having some of it gone for good. I try to keep things in perspective.
However about 30 years ago, when we had our first child, I had to give up my sewing room which I used for the child. Second child had to sleep in a bed against that desk.
Hoarders: Before \u0026 After: Carolís 3-Story Mansion - A\u0026E
Third child came and no place to put him, so we had to build an addition. We built a pole barn in our back yard. He said it was so we could store our pop up in there and open it up.
Well it is now full, basement full, 2 car garage full and his junk room full. Kids left and their rooms are filling up.
Quite dating hoarder that interrupt you
It too has stuff in it. And because of that my dog just got 45 balls. I came on here to figure out a way to motivate him. Any mention of cleaning up our life brings tons of anxiety!
Any suggestions? Of course, to him, the problem is me. Our house looks like a tip. He spends most of his days looking on Facebook marketplace at things people are giving away for free and he just keeps bringing more and more stuff home. Everything to him is worth money and is so valuable. He says he will clean it but it never looks like anything has been done.
I feel like a pig and I get so depressed and my anxiety plays up when I look at my backyard which was once beautiful. I can relate to all of these posts. I mean there are old crock pots laying out in the far back of this land where we, a second marriage, have built a nice new house!
I feel deceived by his hoarding. I love him dearly but cannot live like this. Giving him space is not working, he fills up every square foot.
I desperately need help. My boyfriend I think may be a hoarder. And now a smell. Also a lot of boxes that stuff comes from ups in. Thinking of getting a cleaning service to go in there.
Do they deal with that? My husband was not originally a hoarder. He started when he lost his job at age He had a friend who earned extra money by selling things in local flea markets and decided to join him. Things were ok for awhile but when his friend moved he tried on his own but could not cope with all the lifting etc on his own.
He did not stop looking for things to sell though Items were kept in dining room we did not use much. At first he had weekly yard sales but gradually lost interest due to lack of customers. He then discovered dumpster diving and regularly brings home stuff he is amazed people throw away.
This started ten years ago and the room is now packed ceiling to floor but nothing ever comes out. He has done some acting and made a few indie movies with a friend. Talk about selling items- If they need a bit of extra cash- why not suggest putting things on or having a car boot sale? Could the money buy something they really want and would use or go towards an experience that they will always remember? Talk about how their ways are affecting your relationship- If the hoarding has got out of control- tell your partner how it makes you feel.
How does it affect the way you think about them? How does it impact on your relationship? What could you both enjoy if you had more space? Do you feel ashamed to have visitors? Compromise- When you move in together- you tend to have designated spaces in the home- a wardrobe each, a bed side table each, a drawer or two to call your own. If that means streamlining their stuff- so be it. Toggle navigation.