It can feel like you got hit by a truck when you suddenly discover that the guy you were interested in is no longer interested in you. Everything seemed so fine before! You guys were on the same page about everything! There were no signs that his attention had turned to someone else! Maybe you missed - or misread - the multitude of signs he gave you when your relationship was beginning to wane.
One question people often ask is: should I tell my partner about the crush?
One way to address this is by talking about it with someone you trust and who will keep it to themselves. This could be a friend or family member. How, when and where you have this conversation is as important as what you say - you may find it very useful to read our article on communication tips to try with your partner.
This will help you think about ways to broach difficult topics without things turning into a row and how you could communicate effectively and clearly. What you need to talk about will depend on your situation, but you might like to think about the following:. We develop crushes on all kinds of people. Depending on who it is, this can be quite straightforward or it might require some bigger changes.
Making changes in your relationship is rarely a short process. It usually takes a willingness to keep working at things consistently over time. Progress is rarely a straight line. If you think you might need help, counselling is a great way of keeping yourself on course - or just beginning the conversation in the first place. You can talk to a Relate Counsellor or use our Message a Counsellor service. What is my crush telling me? How can I work on my relationship? What you need to talk about will depend on your situation, but you might like to think about the following: Do we spend as much time together as we used to, and if not, why not?
However, there was a bright side that resulted from it. We are seeing a couples therapist and communicating very well now. I am now emerging from a chrysalis that I cocooned myself into.
We are coming out with new communication skills and we are deeply self-reflecting on what we believe a marriage should be.
From this we are exploring consensual non monogamy and being open to connect with other partners outside the marriage. With all of this self reflecting and a deeper understanding of what we want, a woman started to work at my second, part time job.
Innocent enough, we are starting to get to know each other. She is married with a few kids. I am starting to develop a crush on her. I see a lot of myself at my best in her and feel very charged when I am around her.
Something that my marriage is lacking.
It is possible that similar feelings are directed toward me from her. With our new founded open communication, I told my wife all of these feelings. If for nothing else, to get it off my chest. My question is this, considering I am having a hard time not thinking about the woman and wanting to be around her, should I tell this woman how I feel?
Even if it results in rejection I think I would be okay with that and let her be in that case. Yet divorce is destructive too. Non monogamy will be the death of your marriage. Just WOW! Thank you! So glad this was helpful to you Kevin.
Thank you for listening! All the best, Lisa Marie Bobby. Thank you so much Dr Bobby, reflecting on your advice has helped me avoid falling for a good friend and co-worker. I was teetering towards pursuing a friendly, mutual crush when I noticed a great increase in flirtatious behaviour from the other person which only drew me in further in a short time frame. I bit the bullet and distanced myself.
This simple podcast has helped me in so many ways to realise how lucky I am with my wife and family. I cannot thank you enough. Samson, thank you so much for sharing your experience with our community here. I am so, so glad that this podcast and these ideas helped you recognize what was starting to happen and nip this in the bud.
I have to tell you - from my perspective as a marriage counselor who has worked with so many couples trying to with great difficulty repair their relationship after an affair - it sounds like the shadow of the hawk just flew over your marriage, family and life and, happily, kept on going. It is likely that a terrible tragedy was averted by your being open to the ideas I shared, and the fact that you had the wisdom and courage to put these ideas to use in your life.
Affairs can be so devastating. They blow families apart, and even if couples work through it there are scars. In addition to that, it can be very traumatizing for children to witness infidelity and its emotional aftermath, and can have an impact on their ability to form secure relationships when they become adults. You protected your family from all of that. On behalf of all the people who love you and depend on you, thank you. Thank you for your words Im finding solace and assurance esp now Im questioning my marriage and mainly myself and my purpose etc.
I hope that you get involved with a good therapist or coach who can help you get some clarity about who you are, what you want, and how to create it. Wishing you all the best, Lisa. Thank you so much for the advice I have been drawn to a seemingly mutual crush with a close friend for a number of months. I had felt a strong pull towards my friend after noticing some obviously inviting behaviour and suggestive comments over time.
You literally spelled out our MO, lunches and all which was a big wake up call. After reflection with taking your advice I am attempting to strike up better communication and create more positive experiences with my wife which is working sexually but needing some improvement elsewhere to keep momentum. I am still struggling to balance my feelings for my friend as I have a great marriage and a good friendship, neither of which I would like to destroy.
My wife has met my friend and is deeply wary of her. Your potential affair partner is not your friend, she is an ongoing threat to your marriage and to your family.
You yourself said that you are worried about the future of your marriage if your possible affair partner makes sexual moves towards you. That awareness is a good start! Next step: Take responsibility for this situation, stop blaming your wife for feeling threatened, and cut off contact with the person who you could have an affair with.
My two cents! I have since opened up and told my wife about the damaging relationship I had developed and she is much more resilient than I gave her credit for. The nature of that relationship has essentially ended but not without significant resistance from the other person involved.
For that dating when you have a crush on someone else advise you try
I never realised how far it had gone and so quickly, and without things ever becoming physical. I now know physicality makes little difference, I was having an affair.
Hi, this was a good read. Well, I have a strong crush on a cine artist. To make matters worse is he started following me in return. I want to make that clear. There is zero back and forth that would even raise an eyebrow with anyone.
He has no idea I like him. I think of him obsessively on the inside. No one knows at all. I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage.
Jun 07, Most people seem to think that having a crush while dating someone else is a sign that the relationship is over, but that's just not true. You're always going to have chemistry with other Author: Vanessa Marin.
I also have three kids. Obviously this guy just harmlessly decided to follow me without any idea how much it would cause me to go nuts. I m happily married bt had a crush with someone else.
I want to forget himbt I m failedI ve done everythingbt I m unable to kick his thoughts from my mind plz help me. I want to thank you so much for this advice and podcast. I really needed to hear some straight talk. I never imagined I could go crazy like this. I do feel self aware and had already been doing some of the things you suggested - for one, taking my heightened emotional senses and giving that energy to my husband.
In fact to my surprise and delight, our marriage has been boosted emotionally and sexually by this. The crush I have is over 12 years younger than I am and I see him as exciting, interesting and slightly dangerous.
Comfort! excited dating when you have a crush on someone else already far not
I would never dare to embarrass myself by making a move nor would I want to risk my family, marriage and dignity. The problem is, the feelings are still not going away.
They fade a little here and there but I literally feel addicted, like you said, by a drug.
I just keep pushing it away. I will take your advice to avoid getting into excessive personal talk with him. This is good advice and where I falter at times.
Thank you so much for helping me get a grip on reality today. Thank you for speaking so openly and honestly. Thank you. This podcast has really put things into perspective for me. Thank you for the insights.
Dating when you have a crush on someone else
Your words ring so true. Nothing ever happened beyond a few email exchanges and I tried to minimize one-on-one time, but I feel like I should tell my partner in case I was involved in emotional cheating.
Should I tell my partner everything? If so, should I do it as soon as possible or wait until we are together again? This is a tough one.
Developing a crush on someone when you're already in a long-term, committed relationship can leave you feeling guilty and confused. You may think it's a betrayal of your partner but you might also be wondering whether your feelings are trying to tell you something. If this is how you feel right now, try not to worry. This is far more common situation than most people realise. Aug 21, There is this guy that I have a crush on but he is dating someone else but he likes me too!! What should I do?-Help, Dear Help: You should get over it! He's dating someone else! How would you Author: Audrey Fine. Mar 27, But when you choose to feed into that crush, there's probably a reason you're doing so. It could be because of something you're struggling with on a personal level (e.g., you have a history of self-sabotaging when things get serious) or maybe you're trying to scratch an itch that your current relationship isn't satisfying.
Lots of people in long term relationships have transient crushes that flare up and fade away, and are generally harmless after that. If you cheated on him, your partner needs to know that so that he can make an informed decision about whether or not he wants to continue this relationship.
It may be more merciful and less burdensome for your partner if you worked through your guilt on your own. On the OTHER hand, it may be helpful for both of you if you shared the feelings you temporarily had for another person, and framed it as being a sign that you that you are longing for an in-person day-to-day connection with him if that is in fact true. Then you can both perhaps use that truth as a lighthouse guiding you to figure out how to make that happen in reality.
Dear Lisa, Thank you so much for this truthful and very helpful podcast.
Brilliant dating when you have a crush on someone else theme, will take
I learnt so much! No one is exempt from this especially in stressful times like these. So rightly said when you turn the light on and tell your spouse the power is gone! Thank you so much! Rikki, Stop. Like, get a different job if you need to. Block him, unfriend and unfollow. No explanation required. Do NOT allow the the fate of your family to be determined by an impulsive make out session in the back room. Consider getting involved in some high quality online therapy or life coaching to help you make a solid, intentional decision.
Part of your decision making process may also depend on exploring whether or not it is possible to create positive changes in your relationship with your husband. Would it change anything for you?
When Your Crush Likes Someone Else
It may be helpful for you to listen to that as you consider your options. He was interested in me too. We started to be closer and I asked him to help me to move to another class. And I was right, he changed me to another class. I never imagined my whole life I could feel something like this. Is there anything else I can do to forget him? I need to stop thinking about him! I need to stop feeling what I feel for him.
I am living in dispair since I first met this man. My life became umbearable to live since then. That was a good call. Both of which can teach you, among other things, cognitive strategies to get a handle on the thoughts that are causing pain and suffering.
Mindfulness skills, thought stopping and shifting, reframing thoughts, cultivating new thoughts, etc. That could not be less helpful for you in actually changing this state of affairs, and may even be harmful. Cognitive-behavioral therapy or coaching is a totally different thing than traditional, passive therapy. I will say this just to be thorough : In very, very rare cases, if the underlying cause of the problematic thoughts is in fact related to a mental health issue it can be helpful to enlist the support of your medical doctor as well as your therapist if cognitive behavioral therapy alone is not helpful.
Persistent, intrusive, compulsive thoughts can be related to OCD symptoms, which can be sometimes successfully treated with anti-depressant medication. But again, this is rare. The first line of action is to get to work. Developing cognitive skills is the path of liberation - and you can do it! I love that you said extramarital affairs are always a bad idea, and rarely end well.
People do NOT realize this. Unhappiness in a marriage is not solved by turning outward.
Thank you for sharing that EV. I completely agree. It takes a lot of maturity, wisdom, love and strength to stop yourself from following feel-good impulses. But the alternative is often a good-feeling road leading straight to destruction and despair, not just for the people you love the most, but for your integrity. I believe that regret is the most terrible of experiences, personally, particularly when the damage done is permanent and irreparable.
But you know this!
When you're in love with someone, you want to hear what they have to say and be there for them but when you're in love with someone else, it can be harder to keep your head in the game. If you get the feeling that, when you're with your guy, he wishes he were anywhere else, it might be because he's no longer interested in the relationship. Apr 14, So, you are married but you have a crush on someone else. Hey, it happens. Married people, even happily married people, are also human and as such, are vulnerable to developing crushes on attractive others. A2A "What do I do if my crush is dating someone?" Depends really, but the socially moral thing to do is to swallow your pain and for your best interest to cut your loses and move on. I recently had to do that with my last serious "crush", and when.
With love and respect for youLisa Marie Bobby. Well Jim, I suppose you could try that and see what happens, but I think both of us know that it would probably not end well. It sounds to me like you two have some unfinished emotional business about what happened in the past. Wishing you all the best, LMB. What if the crush is a really good friend? We do want to meet up, but we are both committed to our relationships.
But at the same time we are friends we want to hang out. What should I do in this situation? If not, Godspeed, and do be sure to report back with the outcome?
Duly answer dating when you have a crush on someone else talk
Your community will be interested to hear how this unfolds for you. Thank you so much for this. Consider that a healthy, long term relationship like a lifetime relationship - the kind we all want is not going to be with the same person.
As you both grow and change you will have to get to know each other all over again, and develop a new relationship with the person your partner has grown into. This in itself can be really exciting and rewarding.
Especially if you both are putting energy into developing yourselves, you might find that the person your wife is now is actually someone who is really attractive and interesting to you but in a different way than she was when she was It sounds like you and your wife could really benefit from being together in a supportive, growth-oriented environment like the one achieved in good relationship coaching or couples therapy.
That will allow you to talk openly and honestly about who you each are now, what your strengths and opportunities as a couple are, and what your long term hopes and goals are for yourselves and your lives. Those courageous conversations can catalyze enormous growth and positive change, and what you discover about the person you are married to might surprise you in the most delightful way!
I enjoyed this podcast. My question is how to deal with feeling rejected after a crush after liking all my photos on social media looks like he is distancing himself. This took place right after I gave birth.
We no longer see each other regularly but I am having a difficult time feeling rejected even though my intention is to not cross boundries. Hi Melinda, and congratulations momma! Rejection problem, solved. They need you! Wishing you all the best, Dr.