The relationship scam artist is usually a pathological liar, a con artist, maybe a psychopath. Discover how to detect the lies and get out before it's too late. I also found out I am his sixth wife. Now he is already moving on to No. I lost everything. I cannot even afford a lawyer to get a divorce and move on with my life.
Turvey adds: "Con artists look for people who have low self-esteem and exploit that. They are parasitic and live off of others' goodwill.
But there are signs to look out for. If they laugh at others' suffering - not a nervous laugh, but genuine laughter at someone's pain," that's a sign that you've got a psychopath on your hands, Turvey says. Despite the grandiose boasting, Caldwell notes, pathological liars tend to know more intimate and personal details about your life than you do about theirs.
Before you plunge too deeply into a relationship, think about what you really know about the person. Is there evidence to back up the information? Have you met family and friends who can back up his tale of winning a Purple Heart? Have you seen his diploma from Harvard?
If they don't live with you, they'll call incessantly to keep track of your whereabouts. Unfortunately, many women misinterpret these behaviors as signs of affection. They are flattered that he always says, 'Oh, let's just have a quiet night at home - I want you all to myself.
As for retaining a lawyer who will work with you on either a pro bono basis or at a low fee, go to a legal aid clinic in your community or consult a local law school for resources.
If it's appropriate and you actually have a chance to retrieve your assets from your husband, do so, but, Turvey cautions if it's just going to be a waste of time and energy that will keep the creep in your life longer, cut your losses and just get the divorce. Moving on emotionally may not happen for a while. Your trust has been shattered, and you are going to need a sounding board who can talk about this with you over a period of time and in front of whom you don't feel embarrassed discussing what you perceive as your gullibility.
Support from friends is always helpful, but I would urge you to see a therapist who works on a sliding scale, since you have been so emotionally traumatized by this experience.
Before I get into the signs of dating a pathological liar, I want to give you some background on my own personal experiences with lying. I was never a pathological liar but I definitely used to be a compulsive liar. Early in my childhood, lying became a habit that soon became a way of life. Jul 27, The relationship scam artist is usually a pathological liar, a con artist, maybe a psychopath. Discover how to detect the lies and get out before it's too late. How to detect the lies and get out before it's too late. Q: I married a scam artist and now I'm $, in the hole. Right now, he's riding a $30, motorcycle he bought with my money. 3 Effective Methods to Spot a Pathological Liar - doursim.com.
Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD. All Rights Reserved. Site last ated October 4, Related Articles. Personality Disorders Articles. Types of Personality Disorders. Medications for Treatment of Personality Disorders. Odds are, though, that he gave your feelings no more thought than he would feel like he was starving his goldfish if he went away for a weekend without feeding it; hey, if he had to feed the goldfish, he wouldn't have been able to go away for the weekend.
Does that make him an awful person? Oh, hell yes. However, it does mean you weren't the target of an elaborate effort to hurt you; you were simply one of the people he happened to be working his careless and selfish strategy on. So there weren't really moments when he sat around chuckling to himself about how stupid you were, or regaling his friends with stories about the wool he pulled over your eyes - he probably never mentioned it to anyone because it would have hurt his strategy, and he likely never thought of it at all except in the moments he was executing his strategy.
In short: the whole thing's really between you, his other girl, and you, and he doesn't have either of the girls any more, right? The reason why is simple: if it gets back to him that you were angry, he will give it some thought, and since he's a guy, it will make him happy that you were enamored of him enough to get angry.
Think, that getting over dating a pathological liar useful
Or perhaps he'll use your angry to justify his own actions, that he didn't really do anything wrong because you are one of those "crazy" girls. Don't give him the satisfaction. The best offense is one where you get your personal frustrations out in private, or in a small group of people you trust, but focus your more external activities on casual character assassination.
Don't make it an obsession, don't make it your life's work; just, when you have the opportunity to offer a solicited opinion on the boy, make it flippant, and make it brief: he's a bad liar who thinks he's a player, and it's pathetic.
Hopefully that will be what gets back to him, and there's nothing a guy hates more than being pitied. To be very clear, I didn't think that his talking to his ex in general was cheating-I actually like it when people are friends with their exes. The problem in that particular case was that he'd hidden it from me on purpose and it only came out at a very awkward time.
Having said all that, as a sort of ironic footnote, it turns out he'd lied to me about that talk as well-he'd told me he just wanted to be friends with her, but then she explained he'd been expecting them to get back together. But then, he's insane. Don't ask for an explanation, doing so will prolong your pain and confusion. Confronting your sociopath will lead to them equivocating, guilt tripping, implying, storytelling, and appealing to you until your head is spinning.
Just cut off contact, permanently. Likely, your ex couldn't spit out a real reason if he tried to. It was instinctual, habitual on his part. He wasn't cackling villainously and rubbing his hands together while thinking of all the hurt he would bring to you. He just lacks empathy and you were convenient for the time being. This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Just leave it alone. You know what?
It's entirely appropriate that you feel angry and sad. It's just happened right? Avoid him, avoid her, think about what direction you want your life to take work, home, projects, hobbies, achievements, education and focus on that, except when you need to be angry at him. When you need to be angry at him, be as angry as you like. Scream, punch pillows, go for a run. In due course, possibly sooner than you expect, you'll be glad that you escaped that train wreck.
For getting over dating a pathological liar topic
Oh and be sure not to blame yourself for falling for his lies, he's practiced, how could you tell? So in short, be angry for just long enough and move on. How horrible. I cannot imagine. You must be reeling with pain and confusion. I know - I'm the same. Most people are, I believe.
That's why it is so baffling and shocking when we meet someone who isn't. Seriously, I'm with you. I can't imagine lying to a stranger who asks me what time it is, much less lying to someone I care about. It is stunning that anyone can do this. That's where you are. You are reeling from the very idea that someone could deceive you in this way, because you are a good and decent person and would not ever, ever, behave this way.
That is a good thing. You are an optimistic, good person who deserves another good person. There is no shame in being fooled by a sociopath.
That's what sociopaths do, and as derive and davejay pointed out, you are collateral damage. That's bad, in that he's nuts, but it is good in the sense that you were not the target of an evil plan.
It's hard to stomach, but true. That is how people like him operate. I know you are asking not for an analysis of his buttholish behavior but a plan for you to move along, so I'll focus on that now. I think acknowledging that none of this was directed at you, but instead, knowing that you were a casualty in the living disasterboy that is him is an important step. Next, consider your chooser, which may be broken.
I am referring to the mechanism that chooses men to crush on.
My chooser was broken for a looooong time, and I consistently chose men who were conveniently unavailable, because I was unavailable myself. I wasn't ready to open up or commit or whatever, and I didn't realize this, and thought I was actually trying to have a relationship.
It took some honest soul-searching to see that I was avoiding anything serious by dating men who had no more intention of settling down than I did! Meditate, go to therapy, read books, get feedback from friends - anything to get an objective opinion on what you're doing and choosing.
By this I in no way mean you are to blame, but instead, I'm suggesting that you "date yourself" and treat yourself beautifully!
What do you want? How do you want it? What would make you happy? What can you live with? What can you live without? Do you want to commit to a man?
DATING STORYTIME - MY BOYFRIEND WAS A COMPULSIVE / PATHOLOGICAL LIAR
Are your goals with your career incompatible with that? And so on. Think about YOU, timoni - it is time someone did! Be kind and loving to you and listen to what you want.
That way leads to happier entanglements. It is a process, not an instantaneous thing. I wish you the best.
Take care of yourself and know that you are worth so much more. I was in a situation like this once.
Getting over dating a pathological liar
Comparing notes with my fellow cheat-tee was an eye-opener to the true nature of the person with whom we were both involved, but it was toxic after a certain point. You have cut it off and get past it. Forget this guy. You dodged a bullet. Get away from his toxic influence and excise him from your life.
Toss or give away anything associated with him, and don't look back. You're better for it. Laugh it off.
Safe answer getting over dating a pathological liar join. happens. can
Fair enough, easier said than done, especially when you are hurting. This guy is not worth your time, the longer you spend agonising over him and his behaviour is less time you are enjoying your life. Maybe write it all out, on computer or on paper. Write everything that you feel in a notebook, in a letter to him or to yourself, or just in point form. Then burn it or bury it or just put it away.
In the scheme of things, five months is a very short time.
You've got out fairly early and easily. Be grateful you found out who he is sooner than later and pity him. Some people are just arseholes. You'll meet a few of them. Avoid them once you spot them for who they are, but don't close yourself off from the wonderful people that you'll also meet, trust your instincts and don't beat yourself up if you make mistakes. Listen to goshling.
ANY breakup is hard.
Apologise, but, getting over dating a pathological liar opinion
Some take longer to get over than others. Right now you want to tell everyone the story, because its helpful to get it out. That's natural. Hopefully you have friends who will let you dump. You don't really "need" a therapist, but seeing one once or twice might help. It's a place for guilt-free dumping, plus just the act of getting support from a professional can often expedite giving yourself permission to move on.
As goshling says, 5 months is a short time. It doesn't make the pain any less, but it usually means you'll recover quicker. I survived divorce after 25 years of marriage. First, try to avoid letting this incident make you bitter or colour your vision of all humanity. There are decent people out there and if you're looking to be treated with the utmost respect, you should have faith in finding people who will provide that.
In my opinion, men are genetically programmed to seek multiple sexual experiences. This will explain the "getting drunk and picking up a stranger in a bar" phenomenon you have encountered with other guys.
Some women are also prone to this, although bearing in mind that I Am Not A Biologistit is my opinion that only a minority of women seek multiple sexual experiences, whereas most derive greater fulfilment from developing a strong pair-bond. The fact that this man was willing to hurt and lie to two women simultaneously is an indicator that he was pretty far away from the norm, but do understand that such men exist.
Finally, ask yourself whether subconsciously you are seeking out or being drawn towards people who are likely to treat you badly. It is not uncommon for a woman to enter a relationship with a man she knows for certain is a philanderer or has violent tendencies. I've even known women who have boasted about the fact that their partners could beat anyone in a fight. My explanation for this is that many women have genetic urges that conflict with their emotional or intellectual values.
If a woman is attracted to an alpha male, or a physically strong guy, or a devious and wily rake, or an adventurous loner, she should understand that there is a possibility that he will act out those characteristics at some stage during the relationship. I've heard women say "He'll never do that to me", or "He's changed" but often as not it's just wishful thinking.
It may be that, even without your conscious mind knowing it, you are attracted to the kind of people who are practically destined to cause you harm. If you cannot bear the hurt this entails, learn to retune your faculties of attraction towards those who will act with honour and decency. There's no shortage of such people in this world.
Here's my caveat - you've dated two cheaters. Not to be an asshole, but maybe you're attracted to the type? Compare the two and see if you can see any similarities, and avoid those people, but once you're in a relationship, try not to get paranoid - that will only hurt you in the long run. Waaay back in high school, I went through a somewhat similar albeit high schooly experience. Because it was a long distance situation, I only found out that there was another girl involved through a friend of his, after six months of visits and talks of deep feelings.
The only way I was able to get over it was to totally cut off contact. After half a year of mooniness, a month or so of no-contact let me really evaluate how many warning signs there were. Sure, I felt foolish at times-but more importantly, I was able to recognize him as a scum bucket and move on. Keep dating, with a whole new set of experiences under your belt.
Experiences are good! They'll help you avoid mistakes in the future.
And don't feel like you've been through something totally beyond most people's sphere of experience. I think plenty of people have gone through this sort of thing-I know I, for one, didn't doubt for a minute that you weren't exaggerating.
Also: On the one hand, I'm appalled and almost fascinated by the levels of manipulation and deception, but on the other hand, I still miss the person I'm now referring to as the "fake boyfriend"-the one who loved me, who cuddled with me, the one I spent most of my free time with, and the one I had hoped to eventually marry.
This, to me, is the most problematic thing in your question. Because you were putting the cart way, way, way ahead of the horse. Five months into a relationship is little more than happy brain chemicals-you're not going to really get to know someone until the love haze lifts a bit.
In the future, I would certainly recommend that, while you should enjoy the brain chemicals, you act with a little more trepidation early in the relationship and don't go picking a China pattern until you've at least hit the one year mark. Because clearly, as your experience with this guy has shown, it's not that difficult to deceive someone early in a relationship. This is all about faith-the faith that you have the necessary recovery ability to get over this.
You do have this system-you were born with it. Accept that you are going to feel shitty for a while and just wait it out. Things will get better. This is worth repeating.
Don't make this about you. You were simply the person it happened to. It wasn't done because of you, or with you as the centre of the plan, or because of any facet of your personality. It's all about him and his story. The good thing about that is it means you can lick your wounds and walk away. You don't have to carry it. The "missing the fake boyfriend" really speaks to me. Once you're over the pain of the breakup, think about what was good in the relationship.
You'll be able to find that AND the honesty too with someone else.
Worked for me. I had a similar experience and a horrible, horrible breakup where I really thought I would go over the edge. Then I vowed to swear off dating for at least a year. Two months later, I met Mr. I think that opening yourself up to love that goes horribly wrong, and living through the crash, gives you a kind of fearlessness that can serve you well in your next relationship s. But care for yourself during the grieving process. You don't mention in your post what you said to him after you found out about his lying.
Did you have a face to face conversation in which you confronted him? Did you tell him that your relationship is over? Or have you just cut him off? I have been in a similar situation, full of anger and the desire to avoid the liar, and had a similar problem as you about getting over it.
Aug 27, A pathological liar is someone who lies compulsively. While there appears to be many possible causes for pathological lying, it's not yet entirely understood why someone would lie this doursim.com: Adrienne Santos-Longhurst. Sep 21, A liar won't feel sympathy for you because he's too wrapped up in his own BS. You eventually lose your crap. Sooner or later, you and the compulsive liar will get into a huge fight. You'll catch him out in a lie and you'll confront him, but he's not going to give in so easily. Denial is the compulsive liar's defence. Sep 15, How do I deal with getting over dating a pathological liar? September 15, AM Subscribe I just found out that my loving, caring, earnest boyfriend of five months is the kind of manipulative, predatory liar that one normally reads about in True Story! magazine.
In my case, it was caused by withdrawing too soon. Don't cut off contact with him right away because you need to express your anger to him. The more details you express to him, the less they will be just bottled up inside and the faster you will get over him. Your urge to tell other people sounds like a displaced need to tell him how you feel and what you think.
There is also the question of guilt if you cut him off too abruptly. Even though he behaved terribly, the right thing to do is to announce the end of the affair and the friendship and then give him a chance to respond or ask questions. I'm sure the last thing you want to do is to have a conversation with him, but you would be doing it for your benefit, not his. Afterwards as you think of more details, write them and send them to him.
Think of it as discharging built-up energy. There was a lot of yelling and swearing on my part, and embarrassed silences on his part. The only time he displayed any real emotion was when he found out his ex now knew about me oh, how that stung! But I agree with you completely-it's good to ask questions.